The following is an examination of the hot celebrity trend of not running for president and speculation on possible upcoming announcements of others not running for president.

February 2000 – The main difference between a celebrity and a cocktail waitress is publicity (this is called "Madonna's First Law of Popularity"). And from hairstyles to clothes to rehab clinics, the surest way to achieve steady publicity is to shamelessly attach oneself like Velcro to the latest fad and cling until the momentum has been exhausted.

Cheap fame's latest address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Within the last two months, Warren Beatty, famous for doing it with lots of other celebrities (called "Madonna's Second Law of Popularity"); and Donald Trump, famous for being fabulously rich (called "Trump's First Law of Trump") both have announced that they will not be running for president of the United States in 2000.

It's a far less creative denial than "I didn't inhale," but from a publicity standpoint, it's almost as effective. Beatty and Trump have as much chance of becoming president as they do of becoming female figure skating champions. Yet both men earned considerable ink and airtime with their "candidacies," and at the same time ensured that we'll be talking about them four years from now as well.

"I continue to be interested in the political process and cannot rule out a possible candidacy in 2004," The Donald said in a statement. Beatty has been similarly coy.

Anybody can decline to run for president in the same way anybody can fail to qualify for the Olympic figure skating championships. The denial confirms for a stupefied nation that the candidacy was legitimate in the first place, earns a quick spin in the spotlight and causes no damage to the celebrity's main career.

What this means is that you can expect to see a conga line of halfwit and half-dressed celebrities and semi-celebrities stepping courageously up to their publicist and dictating their denial of a run to the nation's highest office. Some of the announcements you can expect to hear in the next few weeks include:

Jennifer Aniston: "I'm just sooooo happy with all my friends on 'Friends' and I'm just sooooo in love with Brad Pitt that I just couldn't bear to be away from any of them for even a second to run for president."

Brad Pitt: "I could campaign all over the nation, traveling, shaking hands and raising funds, or I could get with that every night. If nothing else, I'll learn from Gary Hart's mistake."

Deposed figure skater Tonya Harding: "I'm not going to run for president right now, but if that bitch Nancy Kerrigan goes for it in 2004, count me in. I'll kick her ass."

Regis Philbin: "I won't be running for president until:

A. 2004
B. 2008
C. 2012
D. Kathie Lee drives me completely out of my gourd with her 'Cody-Cody-Cody' banality."

Pamela Anderson Lee: "Um, I just want to say that I'm not really into this president thing. But you can go to my Website at www.gratuitousfullfrontal.com and see what I am into."

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince: "I don't plan 2 run for president, because U know that God wants U 2 leave behind the cold world of politics and be with me and let me show love for U, like U did 4 me when I made albums worth buying."

Adrian Zmed: "Hi, I'm Adrian Zmed from 'Bachelor Party,' and I'd like to say that I won't be throwing my hat into the ring for president in the year 2000. That's right, Adrian Zmed says 'no' to a White House run this year. ... Hello? Is this thing on?"

Bill Gates: "Not now. I'm waiting for the price to go up."

Courtney Love: "Run for $!@&*#& &!@*#@) @$#(()!^$% president? No !&#&*#$()! way! Can you imagine a @*#&#&*@&#&* like me sluttin' around the house?"

Puffy Combs: "Look, I don't know nothing about no White House. I wasn't there, none of my posse was there, and Jennifer Lopez can vouch for it."

Madonna: "President? I don't think so. I'm far too famous and important for something like that." (She always was the master.)

Ricky Martin: "No, I can't run for president, mostly because I'm not an American. But there is something intriguing about being a female figure skating champion."