Lauryn Hill Performing at the MTV Awards '99

Chris Rock made his long expected return as host of the atrocities. Rock spit out a few decent one liners that inspired a little hope in my poor tarnished heart, especially his tirades against Ricky Martin's overexposed "Livin' La Vida Loca" ("he needs another hit like a crackhead needs another hit").

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, MTV Awards '99

Of course, this didn't stop Martin from overexposing the song a little more about midway through the show. It also didn't stop MTV from presenting the Satin Latin with a couple of shiny awards.

Did I mention the stage props? Miss Liberty herself loomed over the gory proceedings, her big green mug presenting a constant reminder that we were witnessing a truly sickening event (as if we needed one). Yes, yes, I know, some of performances were pretty slick: Aerosmith, Run DMC and Kid Rock taking the stage together, the phenomenal Lauryn Hill taking the stage at all. But this self-congratulating flatulence brought to us by the corporate behemoth Viacom is just a bit much; I'm sorry. It's all about as rockin' as an annual IBM shareholder's convention.

Tuned into MTV in the past 10 years? You're lucky if you can catch one miserable video on the damn thing all year. Instead they dish out the most insulting crap the tube has to offer day after painful day – and believe me there's loads of competition. Suddenly, once a year, come the Music Awards. Why? Well, why do the IBM shareholders surface once a year? Money, honey, that's why. And while this may be okay for a group of stockholders, I simply must ask: Is this how you want your MTV?

Paul McCartney and Madonna

On the other hand, every cloud has a silver lining, even a horribly fetid one like the MTV Awards Show. Korn won, Madonna lost (one award anyway). If you didn't see her puss upon realizing she wasn't going to capture every award available, you truly missed a sight to behold. Speaking of sights to behold, Pammy Lee showed off her new scaled down tits and fortunately, they're still big enough for a nice game of volleyball.

In all honesty, though, I really should curb this kind of talk. After all, we live in a society where everyone is always saying "I can't complain" and here I am shoveling out tons of the stuff. Hell, it's 1999. The apocalypse is at hand, so why should we let corporate America turn the music we love into a plastic, Las Vegas extravaganza. Our culture has the uncanny habit of destroying everything that was once good – why should rock and roll be any different? Kudos to The Artist, by the way, for turning down MTV's request to perform "1999" at the event. That would have been one hell of a way for that classic tune to be remembered.

Oh, and one more thing. I would like to thank my producer, my family, and especially all my fans, for supporting me all of these years so I could be writing this stupid review about one of the most horribly pathetic displays of human ignorance known to humankind and extra-terrestrials alike. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

September 1999