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Al Pacino, winner of the Cecil B.
deMille award, Golden Globe Awards,
January 21, 2001, NBC
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The Golden Globe Awards used to confuse me. Movie stars, TV stars, rock stars, all under one roof. Three discrete universes coming together for one magical night a year. It's the mother of all awards shows. It's Hell in a basket. It's the show where anything could happen but nothing usually does.
Tonight's location is Merv Giffin's Beverly Hilton. (I know that because I just saw Merv outside in the lobby, cleaning the ashtrays.) Anyway, during tonight's show, I had a revelation of sorts. As I watched the swirl of celebrities spin their way to and from the stage, as I watched their beautiful bodies float through the aisles like butterflies, I realized that the Globes are not just a show about a bunch of people getting awards. NO, NO! It's more, baby, it's more. The Globes are about America's unquenchable thirst to present highly paid, really good-looking people with small statues. It's about plastic surgery. (In Hollywood, you don't get older, your face just gets tighter.) It's about the wonder of Teleprompters and the heartbreak of bad jokes. And, of course, it's about breasts. This year, in particular, I noticed that actresses' breasts are not only getting bigger but, now, they're getting better, smoother and rounder.
Finally, it appears, the things are coming with warranties.
Anyway, the 58th Annual Golden Globes made no haste. (With all these damn statues who's got time to kill?) Angelina Jolie whipped into the presentation of the Best Supporting Actor award with the matter-of-factness of a cost accountant at the company audit. I sat back and thought, what no opening number? No dance routine? Where's the glitz, the big band, the outfits? What kind of shoddy production is this?
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Julia Roberts, winner of
Best Actress for Erin
Brockovich, Golden Globe
Awards, January 21, 2001
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What was I talking about... Oh yeah, the first award, Best Supporting Actor. Benicio Del Toro took it for the magnificent job he did in Traffic. "I got lucky," said Toro, with undue humility. James Gandolfini and Edie Falco (AKA Mr. and Mrs. Tony Soprano) arrived onstage next to present the award for Best Actor in a TV Show (or something like that) to Kelsey Grammer ("Fraiser"), who proved to the world, once and for all, that an orange shirt and tie is not going to look good, even under the best stage lighting.
The award for Best TV Actress went to Sarah Jessica Parker (for "Sex in the City," which also won for Best Series). "I love working for HBO," said Parker, at the onset of what turned out to be the longest acceptance speech of the night. I think I saw the sunrise sometime about midway through her monologue. I'm not certain because I know I drifted off for at least a little while....
Hugh Sex Offender appeared to present the award for Best Something or Other to Renée Zellweger (for Nurse Betty), who unfortunately was in the bathroom at the time. (One never knows when nature's going to call.) After Renée was convinced to make haste to the stage, she rewarded us with an acceptance speech that rivaled Sarah Jessica Parker's in duration. As I write this, I hear that Renée's back in the bathroom finishing her business and continuing to give her speech to a toilet-paper dispenser.
Heather Locklear showed up with that small guy who used to be on "Saturday Night Live." They presented the award for Best Actress to Sela Somebody (for "Once and Again"). Heather gets my vote for Having the Best Plastic Surgeon – the woman continues to look good way beyond the boundaries that nature usually allows.
OK, this is getting a bit tedious. I tell you what, how about if I just list the presenters who appeared together and get this thing over with. Here goes: Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey presented the award for Best Motion Picture Score. Peter Fonda and Lara Flynn Boyle presented some sort of award together, as did Don Cheadle and Camryn Manheim, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron, Albert Einstein and Florence Nightingale, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, and last but not least, my neighbor Tony and his fat wife Margaret.
I should mention before wrapping this thing up that Gladiator won for Best Movie and that Al Pacino received the Cecil B. deMille Award for Lifetime Achievement. It was good to see Uncle Al getting some well-due recognition from the Foreign Press. It was also nice to see an award go to Bob Dylan for Best Original Song in a Motion Picture ("Things Have Changed," Wonder Boys). It would have been criminal to have dragged Dylan to Beverly Hills only to send him home empty handed.
Well, that's about it. I know this isn't the best article I've ever written. Do I still get paid?
January 2001
Last Year's Awards Coverage:
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