Confidential, Thursday, December 11, 1997

I began my night at Kenny’s Castaways where folk bands occupy the same stage that Hendrix did years ago. Got into a conversation with Joe Volpe who was hanging advertisements for the art exhibit Dadara which is showing at the Life Club across the street. Off went Joe Number One and in stepped Joe Number Two: Joe Baxter, a salesman from San Diego. Joe Number Two informed me that Pink Floyd and Kiss are great concert bands but the Stones aren’t. (Sorry, Joe, your career as a music critic just ended.) I soon realized that two Joes in one night are two too many, so off I went to my next sordid destination.

Headed to Don Hill’s where they were having open bar: Lou Holtzman, president of East Side Sound Studio, was celebrating the launch of his “School Cut” label in collaboration with Arabis Records.

To support the cause, I helped myself to a cocktail while Sexus, one of the artists on the School Cut roster, opened their set with “You Know You Really Want 2.” A great line -- it leaves you filling in the blank: Want to what? Have sex? Get high? Go to the open bar for another free drink? Vocalist Scott Graham’s delivery was strong and Sexus’s polished performance sounded like a cross between glam and heavy metal, with smatterings of Bowie and Zeppelin.

Bumped into Mark Lewis of Speed McQueen who was roaming about in sunglasses and bemoaning the fact that he had missed the open bar. I said, “Don’t worry. Buy me a drink.” Also saw Pat Briggs, lead singer of Psychotica, who was handing out “After Dark” passes, which take place at Don Hill’s (311 Greenwich Street) on Saturday nights.

Chatted with a few more notables before hitting my next stop: the Luna Lounge on Ludlow Street. Coyote Shivers mentioned that he was taking vitamins in preparation for his New Year’s show (this year’s or next, is the question). Peggy Priscott, a former make-up artist for Rolling Stone, mentioned that she is now a fashion photographer for Harper’s Bazaar. It’s nice to see people move up in the world (which is more than I can say for Joe Number Two).

My friend Valentino was working the door at Luna. He handed me two Heinekens upon arrival. What a prince. It’s good to have high friends in low places. Princess Superstar was having a CD release party. I tried to shimmy my way to the front but the hip-hop music was causing the crowd to become a tad over-energized. I decided to perch myself safely in the back room where two chefs from Germany offered me another Heineken and a few cooking tips. (I think they mistook me for someone who can operate an oven -- the Heinekins went to my head while the cooking tips went right over my head.)

Met up with my friend, James Popsmear, publisher of the incredibly funny Popsmear magazine (Get a subscription: 212-271-5505, you won't regret it). James told me he is letting his hair grow. At this point, it just barely covers his ears. He calls that long; I guess he hasn’t met up with Cousin It yet.

Well, my final pit stop for the night was good old Coney Island High, where Meryl Anderson was celebrating her birthday. As I entered, I wished Jesse Malin of D Generation a good morning. In an uncommonly good mood, he smiled and agreed. Meanwhile, Katy Win, of radio station 88.7 WSTR, asked me for an interview. Hey, no problem. Talking’s my specialty. I’ll let you know when to tune in. Until then, be good, but not too good -- and if you want some cooking tips, buy a book.

Confidential, Thursday, November 20, 1997

“Cover-Band Night” at Webster Hall on Thursday, October 23 was truly an event not to be missed: a contingent of local musicians joined forces to emulate various arena acts from the '70s and '80s glam-rock scene. If you need to be told, New Yorkers can be some of the best fakes in the world. What can I say, we’re just good at what we do.

Took my customary train downtown to catch the show. While sitting on the subway, I overheard a couple of NYU students bragging about how much beer they drank last semester and how they slept through all of their classes (which may explain why so many people wind up with a pair of forceps lodged in their intestines after surgery).

As I walked into Webster, “Aerosmith” was kicking off the night with lead singer Drew Styles (ex-member of Sex Bomb) belting out “Toys in the Attic.” Drew plowed through a few more Aerosmith classics while wishing a Happy Halloween to the audience in between songs. You may be thinking he was a week early but Halloween seems to occur every night of the year around my neck of the woods.

Ran into Harlan Hendrickson, the night’s host, who was wearing a spiked black wig, he said, to look like me for the evening. Flattering as that may have been, I’m not sure he pulled it off too well since I don’t have tufts of dirty-blonde hair sticking out from under my “wig” -- nor am I in need of a shave. I suggested a couple of hours in a beauty salon of his choice, should he ever aspire to portray me again in the future.

Next up was '80s glam-rockers “Poison.” Amanda Parris (of local band Zipper) fronted the group while drummer John Oserosky appeared as Ricky Rocket.

I told “Ricky” to live up to his surname and I believe he did. Don’t know if it was my doing but he pounded the skins with enough energy to launch a couple of small missiles across the Hudson onto the muddy banks of north Jersey.

“Motley Crüe” followed with Jamie Ross (currently of Laughing Sky) as Vince Neil. Jamie was a terrific frontman, however, when I asked him how he was doing, he flipped me the middle finger. It was a little unnerving at first but I don’t think he meant any offense. He was probably just trying to show me his IQ.

While I was mingling with the crowd, I noticed Miss Understood, a 6’2” honey of a drag queen, making her way into the premises, and looking splendid in a green beehive wig. She stopped to kiss me hello and inform me that she was working (i.e., dancing) that night. Miss Understood was tucked into a see-through dress that left little to the imagination. I can state, in all due confidence, she has one hell of a body.

Cookie, who recently asserted her independence as a vampire on The Ricki Lake Show, was also hanging out. (Actually, shouldn’t she be hanging upside down?) I noticed she wasn’t wearing her fangs either -- probably hasn’t been to the dentist lately. The cost of dental work can scare even a vampire away.

The evening continued with my friend Scott Schizo performing as Billy Idol. Scott had the snarl down to perfection -- which is probably 95 percent of the game -- and delivered a vocal line that had Billy’s attitude written all over it. More power to ya, Scott. You really have talent, keep it up.

Met up with Ian Chris, of Cheap & Nasty (does this describe half the population of Manhattan or what). Ian sings lead for the band and claims that he enjoys drinking vodka and OJ, and singing sex songs (then again, who doesn’t). Christie Noga manages the band and says, “they are very talented.” But so is everyone else slurping their buds in this room. Some have more talent on slurping than others.

Well folks, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks when I venture back into the real world. Then again, who knows, maybe there are a few more fake nights awaiting in the future. One can only hope.